An Open Letter to Red States

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, California, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all the Northeast, perhaps even Pennsylvania and my home state of Arizona which no longer bleeds red. Add to that Nevada, New Mexico and perhaps even Virginia and Ohio. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: you get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Sarah Palin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama, Louisiana and Mississippi. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make all the Red States pay their fair share. Good luck!

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to squander our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States banded together we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of
America's quality wines (you may serve French wines at state dinners, if they'll let you), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the
tornados, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace be with you,
Cheers from the Blue States

Obama/Biden '08